Author: That Winking Witch

Creator of "If Tarot Could Talk". Contact for 1:1, Free Consult, classes and offerings. Actor -Writer Tarot and Human Design Reader. Ex Binger

Benzo Bingo. I picked the wrong pandemic to kick Dolls.

Just like Patty Duke, I need my Dolls.

The relevant definition in the Historical Dictionary of American Slang is:
Quote:
4. [said to have been coined by Jacqueline Susann in her novel Valley of the Dolls (1966); but cf. DOLLY 2a.] a tablet or capsule containing a barbiturate or occ. an amphetamine.
(my emphasis)
There is only one citation other than the novel, from a 1974 book called Mind Drugs, which just seems to be a list of drug names.

The definition of “dolly” referenced above is:
Quote:
2a. Dolophine, a trademark for a brand of methadone; a capsule containing Dolophine or an equivalent product.
The first citation for “dolly” is from a letter by W.S. Burroughs in 1954.
The relevant definition in the Historical Dictionary of American Slang is:
Quote:4. [said to have been coined by Jacqueline Susann in her novel Valley of the Dolls (1966); but cf. DOLLY 2a.] a tablet or capsule containing a barbiturate or occ. an amphetamine.

I decided to taper back up because I can’t take it anymore! Being alcohol free is still going. Im still on the Sober Curious path. I wasn’t in the league where I needed to taper of alcohol. But I admit defeat with benzodiazepine withdrawal. OR I admit Discernment. I’m picking this battle up later.

This happened because I rushed the tapering expecting some existential reward. Hello? None came.

To be clear, This is Ativan not Xanax but I would kill for some Xanax tapering stories. Or any current Opioid travels. Please feel free to share.

I had tapered down to 25% less of my usual dosage and here are some of the withdrawal symptoms:

Weeping uncontrollably when I forgot my phone – I know my normal weep quotient and this is WAY more bio chemically feeling than that.

Overwhelmed and shaky at the thought of driving 5 minutes to retrieve said phone.

An almost constant feeling of overwhelm and helplessness.

headache and facial pain including teeth.

A feeling of thickness like I’m stuffed with cotton candy. Great for Body Dsymorphia.

Pretend Sciatic pain hamstring area that goes away ( I don’t have Sciatica)

Twitching , most notably bouncing my feet to the beat of benzos

Restless Leg Syndrome

Insomnia PALOOZA like needing 5 hours in bed before I fall asleep

Compulsive loops of sharking around for mistakes or wrongness

The above may be “benzo-light” If it is then , Im light! Enough.

GOAL

Im making an appointment with a Doctor who specializes in Benzo withdrwal and going from there.

Primary Care physicians, through no fault of their own, are not versed in this fresh hell.

I found this video and the ones that follow it super helpful.

Well Doll, you won this one. But I’ll be back.

If you are someone that needs a drug treatment center, here is a link.

When your 11-14 year old fears rule your life. Again.

This pandemic flavored sobriety has its perks. I can hunker down and withdrawal/taper, go on crying and laughing jags without a major audience.

But oh Boy, the Junior High fears that fire up are debilitating. Tapering of Benzos combined with being in quarantine has been heightening recall of Junior High survival skills. But then again maybe Junior High survival skills are especially being echoed right now with the wolves of divisiveness constantly nipping at our screen doors.

It was 1982 and I was the new kid in school. In Michigan . I was tan (just having moved from San Diego where I was a winner of several Disco dance contests) Before major boobs, Before fear of the Male Gaze.

When incest just meant romance in a V.C. Andrews book.

Fear is Fear is Fear , like I’ve mentioned in the post “Stop Grading your Problems”– your adrenal glands, cortisol levels, limbic system are all talking to each other the same way whether you are in danger of falling off a cliff or you’re 11 years old being terrorized by the girls in your new 6th grade class. It shock/hurts. It feels like poison.

Of course I had lied before. But conforma/lying really escalated for me during this time. The type of lies that ensured my safety and ascent on the Junior High Popularity scale. This scale is now called Facebook /social media platforms.

Back to Ms. Kinzers class in 1982 in pasty Michigan. First day. New Girl – Tan – Only the nerd girls are nice to me.

After class 2 boys approach me. One is a total fox , one his sidekick (unfox).

Hubba Hubba

The Fox: “What kind of music do you like ?”

Tan me: “The Village People”

The UNFOX: “Wrong ! ( makes sound of buzzer) You are so moded right now.”

What is moded? I guess Im not in Disco San Diego any more.

The UNFOX: “Disco is Dead “

FU&K ME! I have ruined my chances for favor with anyone ever again. Hello 12, Hello 13, Hello shame.

Tan trembling me: “What kind of music do you listen too?”

The Fox: “The Knack, Billy Squire”

Tan Trembling: ” Oh yeah, I know them.”

The Fox: “Yeah?”

Beat

I don’t think the Fox is totally done with me yet.

But they left me. Maybe the word “spaz” was uttered. Their exit is blurry due to my Caucasian flush.

Lesson learned. Do not lead with what you believe. It could get you shunned.

No doy.

When Gratitude isn’t Just a step to the left. Saditude b4 Gratitude

Some days are “tra lala lala” effortless. Some are “Are you fu@king kidding Me!?”

When dealing with the latter, I don’t fall victim to immediately gratitude journaling. I need a bridge and a guide to Kumbaya. OR a river, a creek , a balloon, whatever. I need help with the transport feeling to get me to gratitude. I can’t Time Warp or Wrinkle in time there. This bridge step is un-skippable when Im ultra agitated or sad. I cant be all like, “Presto! Silken Scarves of gratitude surround me now!”

If you are glaring at an Instagram picture of your friend holding a yoga pose and you think “I believe in Peace Bitch”. Know that :

1) Tori Amos says that same sentence in The Waitress and 2) I’m with you.

So I grant ye permission not to be grateful for 20 minutes or 20 days. You will most likely slide into home plate of grateful much more easily without the pressure.

Take however long it takes to do what you need to do to move in the direction of true North/Namaste.

This bridge could be: bitching, writing, feeling, scream-singing, punching, crying, cleaning, smooshing, chopping, swaying, hanging, breathing, dangling, kicking ,sleeping, gerund, gerund, gerund.*
It could be none of those.

Who says you have to end up at a journal unless that works for you.

Some call this acceptance, but to me it seems a titch more dynamic than that word.

Finally you may arrive back where Gratitude is actually“just a jump to the left and then a step to the right.” *Oh!, and sleeping

Be Ferocious in feeling your feelings. Give yourself the shot.

Oh God. Feel your feelings. Sort of Ewww. Gross in a from the neck up psuedo-spiritual way and just cliche gross but it Fu&*ing works. I have proof it leads to relief. Empirical data, repetition.

Ive been using this quarantine to soften or let go of some behaviors. Delivering my mind and body from habits is ALOT easier when I face the feelings that hide under the habit. Focusing on emotional waves is also a lot easier when I’m laid off and have my head all to Myself. I have the luxury of being an NON essential worker.

This type of ferocity ala Shirley MaClaine is a good illustration of how I binge drank .

Intention: Binge feelings with same ferocity in which I binge drank.

When I “process” my emotions, my burning desire to buffer with Food/alcohol/control/drugs/sex/shopping/add your own fades away. FADES AWAY. Not will power, white knuckling or pretending it ‘s not there , but a cleared feeling of “I can take it or leave it”.

If I am consistent in my attempts , I can actually get a HIT off the release.

There are varying methods with which to do this and I have tried a lot of them. I’ll list some of them at the bottom of this post.

What seems to work best for me is :

locating the physical sensation in my body and allowing the story to unfold -the who or what the why, the feeling – is it Sadness , Grief, Shame, Or I don’t know but It sucks.

Letting myself tell the story and feel the feeling . This is no time to be the ethereal witness, be your kid self. for 1-5 minutes. I set a timer.

Drop the story (the aforementioned who, why ,what ,where) and focus on the visceral energy or weight of the feeling. 3-10 minutes depending on how much time you have.

Feel the feeling in the body. Is is a fat slug sitting in your throat? Or maybe a cuter animal in your Solar plexus? Your stomach? is it leaking out of our eyes? Whatever the weight or energy of it is, give it its due. Ignore it at your own peril. This feeling is a Golden Ticket to more freedom.

The sensation will unravel or it wont . Either is ok.

This can be exhausting but not as exhausting as binge drinking, 3 day hangovers, and years “lost” to inertia and fear paralysis.

I’m doing this to experience more joy not be “nice’ or “good’.

Here’s a list of some techniques , articles, ideas that have helped and if you can afford a coach or therapist – all the better!

Brene Brown excerpt

UFYB Kara Loewentheil podcast

Sarah May B podcast Help Me Be Me

Sedona Method

Too bad you’re late. You just missed my Virtue Signal.

Virtue signalling statements are used to enhance ones standing within a social group, often without a practical application of the opinion held.

Becky Pemberton
8 Mar 2017, 22:53
Updated: 8 Mar 2017, 22:58

vir·tue sig·nal·ingnoun

  1. the action or practice of publicly expressing opinions or sentiments intended to demonstrate one’s good character or the moral correctness of one’s position on a particular issue.”it’s noticeable how often virtue signaling consists of saying you hate things”

Now doubt this phrase begins to be bandied about again. Especially the day after the black square Black out Tuesday went mostly wrong. But there are people far more educated than me about the movement and Ill leave it to them to hash it out and provide commentary.

I reflected on the number of times I or others may have used a “type” of sobriety as virtue signaling.

“Well she’s not really sober because she had THC cactus nectar” OR ” He doesnt have a sponsor so…” ” She took a bite of of a rum cordial and had to reset her date”

It is my aim in this journey that sobriety or coming back from “relapse” not become a virtue signal.

Its taken several years to fall and get up and experiment. Before, my first concern was gathering virtue validation from others and THAT being the priority. That is finally receding a now. Hence the site “Define Sober” Today I have 30 days of planned sobriety-meaning I haven’t had any alcohol. I allowed myself to drink but chose not to. I could also smoke pot If I wanted to but have not had a craving. This Sober-curious time is giving my life a sheen of curiosity in all areas. How thirst quenching this has been so far! I’m wildly curious about what strength lurks beneath these lies I’ve told myself and I enjoy not having a clue about what Life will look like since so many enchanting and daunting possibilities are bubbling up.

Whether you are sober , sobercurious , Curious, Curious George , or a Cat that has been killed and then revived by Curiosity; I look forward to all of us creating a new non virtuous, trickster signal so we can recognize each other.

10 songs to cry to if you’re Gen X and no stranger to Musicals

I’ve gotten very versed at the different types of crying. From the slight leak to keening.

Today is Day 30 for alcohol-free ness. Day 4 for benzo withdrawal.

I wont go into all of the cries in my collection. At least I can suggest some Melodic backdrop to enhance the experience for your own slight leaking or full on keening.

1) Johanna -from Sweeney Todd

2) Old Man River -from Showboat

3) Some Enchanted Evening – from South Pacific

4) Camera -REM

5) Unlovable – The Smiths

6) Perfect Circle -REM

7) We Kiss in a Shadow – from The King and I

8) Climb Every Mountain-from The Sound of Music

9) Insider – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

10) Track of Time – Anna von Hauswolff

Im not new to sobriety but I am newish to not really caring how many times a day I weep. To be transparent, this acceptance started way before the pandemic and has only served me.

I know about the stacked cry/or Pyramid cry . This one starts with catching myself in the mirror and appears to be about jowls or some compartment of my body but then I ask , “”wait what’s really going on there?” Breath. Tears are released and so are Tiers of the cry.

Here is a cry pyramid I experienced lately. Its starts out relatively banal and dysmorphic then levels down to more acceptable crying material.

Body image- usually some version of “you are UGLY”

grief over being so risk averse and creating a smaller life. Shame.

friends, time and experience lost over alcohol abuse/anxiety/fear/

A general feeling that Enchantment is gone and nothing joyful ever happen again

Biochemical release or the Ativan Cry

I thought I was going to be on Broadway now Im 52. I better get on “Real Housewives of Anything” and become in influencer so I can go to Broadway by the time Im 55.

There is no Broadway right now

Im not a a housewife

Oh sh*t, Covid 19

My Father is dead.

I drank thru 9-11

I ate thru Rodney King

Where is my tribe?

Im not safe

Nothing is safe

Plant Based Spiral -Animal keening

Looting

Curfews

I miss my father

My mother is starting to forget things

Im not hungover

smidge of compassion

So I have to parent myself now

RESULT- window of heart opened, smaller pores, and always awe and awwww of music.

Great blog post on the Holly Hunter Cry

Check out benefits of crying. I think we all can call BS on the stats for” how often people cry “in this article.

Benzo withdrawal stuff:

Jennifer Leigh

Jennifer Leigh’s site

Benzo Buddies

And please feel free to comment and let me know your own songs !

P.S Enlightened with Mike White and Laura Dern is a Masterpiece

Tapering off AA Killing the Normie and Keeping the Swagger.

After 17 years of field research in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous, I am taking what I want and leaving the rest.

An Alanon sponsor once reminded me, “You’re allowed to change your mind.” Oh? Oh!

Someone asked me the other day ,”Do you think you’re an alcoholic?” My answer was ,”I really want to be.”

As I re enter AA , I think about drinking more than I ever did. Its easy to step right back in and parrot the slogans and reunite with people I truly do love =instant community! A lot of The people in AA are what I choose to keep . Not the perversion and the archaic-ness of the program.

AA was great when I was broke, getting thrown out of gay coke parties and my Father had just died. I was 31 and looked into AA 3 years later. The women in AA were the best friends I ever had. I still dearly want to be with some of them but not with the AA hijacking of human survival skills and belief in Normies.

I don’t know if retaining friendships is possible if you prefer to be sober but not with AA as the centerpiece. I feel a sad, nostalgic waft of 2003 AA air ,very similar to the Nostalgia I have for drinking without 3 day hangovers. Luckily I know how to process feelings.

For this blog post I’ll keep it short-er and cite this wonderful article . More later on my own experience as I continue to mix a cocktail of curated AA meetings, audible books on sobriety and life AFTER , Harm reduction, Belle Robertson on Recovery Elevator podcast , and Stanton Peele.

That Creep in your Zoom meeting #4 Day 25

Are you new or trying Sober and getting creeped out by Older White guys? You are not alone. If you’re a newcomer and identify as female and experience anything like this, here are some comments, and tips on how to navigate or unf*ck the experience and stay on path.

The meeting I go to are 85% white hence “creepy WHITE guy ” So this is only my experience. Pick your poison and your predator according to yours.

I went to CO ED AA zoom meeting and and identified as a newcomer. I received a private chat message from a regular in this group that said “I love you xxxxx” I have never spoken to this man When I received the chat message, I looked and saw who sent it. Ewwww. I did not reply and let the secretary know. It’s gross. Im older and have been around. What if I was new new?

WOULD THIS HAPPEN AT A MEETING IRL? NO

Stick with the women unless they drive you more crazy and don’t have what you want.

Try other 12 step meetings- PINK CLOUD is a great tool to find them and you can filter by Women only OR the focus of the meeting

use an alias /change your name if it makes you feel more comfortable

Try alternatives to AA if the guy and/OR the 12 steps are not a match for you- there are plenty of other programs and alternatives . Its all part of Life’s Rich pageant to find the one that works for you. Who cares how you get sober. I welcome you if you are trying or have tried.

Belle Roberston has a totally anonymous program

Kevin Griffin weaves the 12 steps and Buddhism Together and is an older white guy who is NOT gross or Predatory at all.

WFS is another Women centered resource

Other alternatives to 12 steps.

I need to remind myself that the good guys are plentiful in meetings too. I’ve met a lot of male folk who have helped me along the way over the years and who are NOT creeps. There are also women creeps. Sometimes Ive been a creep ( althought not in a sexual predatory way -more in a snarky gossipy way) than they have been. This doesn’t excuse or negate White male creepery, which is rampant , but paints the fuller picture.

Day 25 for me. Lots of zoom meetings involving ACA and AA and Alanon. It helps me. I also listen to Belle Robertson and Recovery Elevator, and Kevin Griffin. I Find more resources every day. I give 50% airtime to what I disagree with and 50% to what I espouse in these meetings, podcasts, blogs. Thats all I can hope for. I feel better after a meeting/listen and maybe I can help someone. So the pros far outweigh the cons in this Pandemic climate. When they don’t, I’ll know and I’ll keep discovering , ideally while remaining alcohol free.

#3 Benzo Enchantment Day 24

I am titrating off Ativan under a Doctors plan. I took 2mg at night for sleep.

And when I say for sleep , since I don’t mix it with alcohol now, it is ostensibly for sleep . I do long for the days of the effortless, elegant Ba-Bye at 2 mg. I started out years ago (maybe 10) with a .5 mg “when needed” and have become dependent on a larger dose. It’s’ hard to say goodbye to the wafting hush of this pill. Yes, I know there are way worse cases. I remember Janice Dickinson on “Celebrity Rehab” But this is my case. Sharing this to help with accountability.

I have titrated down from 2mg to 1.5 mg. And now, the headaches and trouble falling asleep. The spin in the head that is great for writing for not for trying to reach alpha and eventually delta brainwaves.

On this sobriety experiment (day 24), I have not been a daily or weekly drinker so I know it’s not the alcohol withdrawal. I have no clue whether this a high or low dose of opiate. I sense myself looking for permission to have withdrawals since I have it “pretty good”

I took a Tylenol last night to eradicate the headache. Is this even worse ? The lesser of several evils?

I had been going to sleep at 9:30PM and now am not falling to sleep until 1 AM or 2 AM. I am astonished at what a difference the absence of .5 mg makes .

I will now scour the other Benzo related blogs and compare my experience, dosage, and results.

On the flip: I am meditating twice a day, exercising (dance) 2-3 times a week and am losing my sweet tooth a little.

#2 Stop Grading your problems . Day 23 -“You mean all this time we could have been Friends?”

The last time I drank alcohol was not spectacular or worth a short film. On March 19th when The mayor issued the order that non essential workers in my city go home, I was not unhappy. The part time job was a necessary drudge that I showed up for the best I could. Let me also say I have known of no one in my small circle who has died or been catastrophically affected physically by COVID 19.

Loss. Grief. Fear. Whose is greater? Whose wins? Stop grading and take care of your own first. It counts. If you’re in your 50s and you’re trying to reconcile crepe-ing arms OR you are 40 and going through a loss of a parent OR you are 15 and getting bullied or you’re 55 and getting bullied OR your Public identity is OVER because of COVID 19, the body isn’t making note of the specifics. Do you think your adrenal glands, cortisol levels, limbic system are all talking to each other going , “Actually, lets just fire at a level 2 Fear because she should be over this shit”. No. The monster under the bed is REAL to your body. Whatever age or whatever longitude and latitude coordinates you occupy. #Compareanddespairanddonothing.

When the Pandemic order was issued , I hadn’t had a drink for 20 something days. I could just take it or leave it. My desire for alcohol was further lifted and I continued not giving a shit about it (meaning booze) UNTIL the beginning of May. Then I thought, I’ll have 3 beers. This was not a secret plan it was a declaration. An experiment. I was not “supposed” to be sober. Nobody but me was judging/not judging . I walked and bought a 6 pack of Racer 5 IPA from the liquor store. I still have the receipt.

Ensconced at home, couched with my partner, I took a sip. This doesn’t taste good. My body doesn’t like it. SIP. Its like too bubbly? But I really want this to work. SIP. Sort of tastes toxic. SIP. Its not that bad. SIP. It will be fun to host virtual game night with my friends tonight. REST-no sips. Game Night began, the sipping tripled. I was chasing the dream.

Later at 11:20pm after 4-5 beers and an Ativan , I laid on my carpet and drooled. Alone. My boyfriend was snug as a bug in bed. There had been no judgement or altercation. I imagined myself floating away and wanting to sink into the carpet ala “Trainspotting” This isn’t me. This is a sort of death but I’m not ready. I knew what I had to do. Purge and Primp.

I went to the bathroom and induced regurgitation. ACID extravaganza. The next day was lost to physical pain but I didn’t really experience the second arrow of shame which was UNUSUAL.

I’ve gone 5 years and 9 months and 2 months and 6 months without drinking in in AA but the large percentage of that time just felt like I was holding my breath and waiting for a reward from GOD.

On May 2nd, There was a monster under the bed that I skated over and I drank. I’m psychologically astute enough to know I don’t just drink because …whatever. I have no external problems compared to some and maybe a lot compared to the other “some”. As a human (most likely), I have the ability to face fear/loss and the requisite emotions that tap my on the shoulder and then throw bricks if I don’t pay attention.. If I stop grading and comparing my fear, “problems” then I can see them or it. CLARITY. Ohhhh!!! Fiona Fear how are you? Come to Tea this afternoon ( Buddhist reference I know) and I can say “FIRE, walk with me!” (David Lynch credit) Let’s be partners. If not friends then fellows ? fiends? In my experience , this lessens the burden and I incrementally lose the desire to drink , or to (insert buffering behavior)one friendly fear fire at a time. This is ACCEPTANCE and ACTION.

Now here I am with choice. Day 23 goal 30 virtual meetings in 30 days . MY preference is to be alcohol free NOT sentenced by shame to be alcohol free. Will I stay the course? I don’t know. I don’t have to know. I’m not throwing AA out but I’m adding Kevin Griffin and Belle Robertson and Recovery Elevator and this blog. I’m tracking Fiona Fear on an excel spread sheet.